time, content content, depression, having (and sometimes not having) a brain

this might be some kind of twisty year in review post? it's also a bit of a rant, and a photo diary of a few tours

hi everyone,

It has been a long “time”. It is also one moment only ever, so maybe I shouldn’t really worry about that kind of thing here…

Florist had an unbelievably busy and fantastic year in terms of spending our moments in service of sharing this music. We played nearly 100 shows in 14 countries and were out on the road 6 long months out of the short 12. I would be lying if I said it was easy, but it was so worth it and it is still (and probably forever) the life I choose. I feel calm on the road. I don’t really worry about the things that keep me up at night when I am home, and I am fulfilled by the intense human connection and shared feelings we get to experience daily. It is an uncertain way to live and a difficult path to follow, but I can’t imagine anything else, and I accept the fate of it one way or another. I have never been able to do things that feel particularly conventional. I have no idea why, it’s probably psychological, but it could be cosmological. I am not sure what I believe in exactly. I think in general I believe that humanity doesn’t matter all that much in the scope of the universe, but I still believe in some kind of faith adjacent philosophy of living my life as a good person, caring about how I influence those around me, and on a deeper level the emotional health of our hive mind and the minuscule to nonexistent role I may play in that. It is ultimately why I make music - both for my own mental well being (processing personal anxieties and traumas, having a positive outlet for my obsessive tendencies) as well as for all the incredible people who have supported my music adventures and truly care about feeling things. There is a prime directive of sorts to generally promote being emotional. I believe that emotions are our greatest gift as living things. They unfortunately can very easily become harmful, and too often in our world, deadly. As someone who feels a lot I have been increasingly overwhelmed in the last handful of years. I have found myself falling more into dissociative tendencies which has actually caused me to make less music and this makes me sad. I am very concerned about the increasingly predatory and manipulative nature of the internet, the late stage capitalism, consumerist, and individualistic focused culture that is rapidly dominating our world. No one is immune. I have struggled with and seen a lot of depression, anxiety, compulsion, and addiction in my life. The stage is perfectly set right now for these kinds of harmful mismanaged emotional projections and coping mechanisms to run rampant. Sometimes I am so afraid of the intensity of my feelings that I try to ignore them. I am worried that I won’t be able to process them in a healthy way, so I try avoid feeling them entirely. This leaves me feeling empty and without purpose, especially when I am not able to work since it is kind of my job to be emotional. So that leads to more unhealthy coping mechanisms and the hole gets dug deeper. In general I try really quite hard to be kind to myself, which I think is a very important step. It is not helpful when you are mean to yourself. Still for those of us with a funky brain, every day usually poses a challenge. So why am I ranting here? Well, I feel like I want to harness a power that seems to be emerging to literally just witness my feelings, and it is relevant here I think because really it’s the reason why I have not made this post, and it also feels like a collective experience at the moment. I still want to share and contribute. The list of things to worry about is nearly infinite. I have wanted to write about Florist’s year, about creative things I am excited about, and add some thoughtful and long form content to the stupid internet. I haven’t been able to because it’s felt like my brain is shut off. I am working on a lot of new music right now, trying to anyway, and I am very looking forward to sharing, but I noticed my feelings around reflecting on my life, the year, and my emotional and verbal state to be overwhelming. I don’t want to live in a world where we grow deeper and deeper into avoiding reality, where the wonder and beauty of technology is used against us. So I am ranting now I guess to just be here. Be honest, be emotional, be raw, and say out loud that things are not always easy.

Please be safe, be kind to yourselves, prioritize the time with people you love, don’t be afraid to feel and sit with your emotions, breathe. (through your nose if you can because I just learned apparently this is way more healthy)

love

mle

Now here are some photos that I took from our many wonderful travels this year —